fuck off.

I'm so pissed off. I'm supposed to be in a 'relationship' with someone who doesn't even trust me enough to tell me the shit that's going on in his life. Pah. When the fuck do boys evolve into men? And he reckons he loves me more than anything. Yeah right. I'm sick of this. It fucks with my head. I've cried so much lately. After Macca I swore to myself I'd never fall in love with anyone ever again. Even though I guess with him it wasn't /proper/ love, as some people might call it. It was probably more of an infatuation. The obsession of wanting to be in love with someone. And now my boyfriend's the one being a dick yet it's /me/ who's ringing him to try and sort stuff out. Lol. He won't even pick up. I mean yeah, 9/10 times it's my fault we argue, but this time he's just being a dickhead. I hate the hurt that comes along with loving someone. I seem to get that more than the actual joyous part. Aacchh. Idk what to do. Do I just leave him alone? Leave him altogether? Lolno. I don't want to fall out with him. I don't think I could ever leave him. I do love him. Just lately he's been a bit of a bastard. He blames it on stopping smoking. Well. I know what addictions are like but I never lashed out at anyone when I was quitting mine. I didn't even really talk about it. Probably because if i talked about it I'd think about it, and then I'd want to do it. It's all one biiiig circle ya see. I know I'm not exactly the best of people. I'm shit when it comes to relationships but I do try. I tell him everything. I even trust him enough to put myself in a vulnerable position with him and cry down the phone to him. It takes ages to trust someone like that. When you can get everything thrown back in your face. I know what it feels like and it's fucking horrible tbh. I've felt really suicidal lately. I haven't felt like that in a long long time. I tell him I feel suicidal, all I get back is, ''and how do you think that will affect me?'' ..well tbh when someone wants out they don't tend to think too much about other peoples feelings. Selfish? Maybe. Erhh, I feel tired, and sick. :( I'll try ringing Jordan once more and If he doesn't answer then he can go fuck off :]