I need a little time,

I want a Chinese lantern. You know the ones that fly. I want to light one for Ewan. And watch it drift off into the night. The only light lighting up my dark world :] couldn't define him more, tbh. I was supposed to be at Jordan's tonight. But part of me didn't even want to go. I just wanted to be in the middle of no where. With my prince. Cuddling up looking up at the billions of stars. No one to ruin the moment.

I want to go back in time.

To when we said our first words.

If I'd have only knew then how hard I'd have fallen,

Maybe I'd have never let it be

Or perhaps I'd have set out more prepared >< .

E'M.

Just for tonight, just maybe we'll make it.

Just for tonighttttt. Just maybe we've made it. Sing like you want this;;

Hello world. Big, strange, mysterious world.

World that I don't /really/ like just now.

Hm. I'm going to have to cut down on my blogging.

I blog when there's sod all to say. Just cause I can :]

Morvens posted my letter at last. 5 pages long, appaz.

I like writing letters. I want to write one to Ewan. Pah. It's all so complicated. By the time I'd written a letter and posted it he'd be back in hospital anyway. Idk his address. His parents might find it odd a 17-year-old is writing to their 36-year-old son. Andd. It could get lost in the post. And. It wouldn't be able to be mega personal incase someone else opened it. ><. I hate this. I think It's the not knowing that gets to me. I wanna know he's okay, safe, and well. And most of all happy. Him with his contagious cheery spirit. The guy guaranteed to make me smile. Every time, bbz. :]

I have Race for Life on Sunday. Well, next Sunday, not today. But yah. The way things are going i'll be in hospital by then not jogging around a 5k course. Gah. I'm nervous. I /so/ much want to beat last years time of like 42. somethinggg minutes. I've done feck all training though. And I was possibly more active this time last year so mh ._. I just want to make my people proud. ><. Ewan said he was proud of me last time. I'm sure my nan would be too :] I miss her ._. Anyway. It's likeee. 02:18am so tatty-bye. x

Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard.

Just bring me back my prince, mhk?
That's all I want.

><.

10:35

In another half an hour I shall be sat in the doctors having my vag probed. No joke. I'm still waiting on my letter from Morvenn. Lol, I've just been reading old Ewan emails. He makes me smile something so :3 So does Jordan though; he's so sweet but sometimes he can get a bit immature and i'm just like erhhh. D; I hatee summer. I hate it being hot. It's good in winter cause you get the cheery christmas spirit and get to wear a million clothes and no one cares what you look like as long as your warm :] I need to get dressed. But I have no clothes. Cuz I'm lazy. And cba'd doing any washing. Hm. I feel sick. I think it's probably nerves. I don't want to pull my pants down to some doctor person. And spread my legs. So they can poke something up my vag. And nuu I haven't got AIDS >>.
I need to train for Race for Life D; Buttt it's too damn hot :@
Ach. I need to go. And get dressed. And then sit and think about my life some more. And try ringing Jordan. He can sleep through fecking anything. v_v
TTFN :] x

Chemicals all rushing through my bloodstream, only wish that you were here.

Yo :] yeah I'ma actually write normally for once. Well.
Unless I get bored (; No. But right. I have things to talk about v_v I had a dream last night. Ewan died. :/ ..I just.. had this voice recording he'd left me. And I kept playing it over and over again. I can't really remember what It said, or if i even understood it. Just his voice.. It was all I had left of him. It was awful, really. Martine emailed again. I'm not going to get to speak to him till mid-August. ><. It's fucking awful. He's the guy I talk to about.. well everything tbh. D; Race for Life in under a week and I haven't ach done any proper training. Jordans coming up sooon. I need to get in the bath D: erhh. why is life so shitty sometimes? .-. I mean, it's good that Ewan's going back into hospital, because don't get me wrong. I want him to get better. asap. He doesn't deserve this crap. He's a good person. ><. I don't really have much more to say. Just things are hard sometimes, but as a great friend of mine once said;

''Friends are there to keep you away from the edge.''

Why not smile?

Hello again.

Fellow bloggers out thar. Lulz. I ach think I'm becoming a tad obsessed with you. Blogger. You. (;

I have had a really nice day actually. All colourful and all. Jordan came up. We had cuddles and photos. You know. Like all those teenyboppers do. Lolno. But really. It feels like I wanna be with him forever ><...

Is that so badddd?

><.

like what if this is all just cause Ewan's away at the moment. I really don't know. I do love Jordan. I just love Ewan too. Lol this is shit. ><. But I wouldn't want to cheat on Jordan. ._. The only reason I have a boyfriend in the first place is because Ewan told me to find someone my own age who would treat me like the princess I deserve to be. Idk why people are so nice to me. Times like these I don't feel like such a great person.

TTFN? ><.

"Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow, turn this stupid, fat rat yellow."

Harry Potter :] I actually shall start reading the books again.

THERE IS A WASP IN MY HOUSE. ):

I blame it on the sunshine.

Jordan's in town buying me a KFC.

And white bed sheets for my mam.

Yeah.

He's our slave now you see. (;

N'aww. He loves it really.

Like he loves me.

And ''The Boys''

And Sheila.

Aye.

That is all for now.

v_v

Claustrophobic.

Hello all. I'm here to complain. Because I can. And I shall. v_v
I have been stuck inside for two days now. With cramp from periodz. ): It's well shit. Why can't guys have periodz and shizz. >>. And babies. And bleed :( LOL, talking about bleeding some insane person came up with the idea of Pokemon sanitary pads o.- I shall find you sexy people the link in a bit, ochaye? Yeah. -smug- so anyway. Soon my brothers will be home from school and I won't be home alone again for three days. I hate being stuck in with everybody. I know that might sound bad. But like. I like my own space, you know? So I can ponder life and stuff. Martine emailed again this aft. She doesn't know what's happening with Ewan. She'll ask 'Joan' next time she's talking to her. Who the fuck is this Joan woman? His mam I'm guessing. But it pissed me off that she doesn't even know what's happening with him. She's supposed to be his pal and you know. Gah. Race for Life in less than 3 weeks now. I can't even run to the end of the road without getting a stitch never mind 3.1 miles. But I shall try my very bestest. Cause I have to make people proud. >< . I haven't spoken to Ewan in 2 weeks now. It's all very well hearing about him through other people (that don't seem to know fuck all anyway or even care for that matter) Pfh. He's my bestest friend, I love him so much. I wish he was here. I know I must be a bad person for loving him because I have Jordan now but I've loved him for 2 years and yeah D;
Anyway I'm off. For a while. Or something.
TTFN x.

Serendipity.

We're arguing like every day now. I don't even know why. I go off in the randomist of mood swings. And It's difficult cause when I get upset/angry I just shut down. I can't talk about it for ages. And I know It can be frustrating. I ach hung up on him earlier just because I felt like shouting at him. For absolutly no reason. It's not fair on him but he says he loves me and he'd be miserable without me. I don't want a life without him either ><. I just wish I could be a better person. I fell asleep for hours and now all I want is to hear his voice but I think he's ignoring me. I've tried ringing him loads but he's not picking up. There could be a perfectly good explanation I guess but who would blame him if he was ignoring me? No one else would put up with my shit. He really must love me hm? It's odd how like. A few weeks ago I started my course and I found him without really looking for someone. It just happened you know. And It's great when It works out like that. The best things in life are never planned. I think atm every thing's just getting to me. Like I ach dislike myself atm. And the whole Ewan scenario which he's been /amazing/ about. How many guys would support you when you're upset over another guy? A; not a lot. I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring but I'm going to try really hard to be a better person. A better girlfriend to a deserving guy. 10/10 times he always comes after me when I walk off in a mood. He's so great to me. He defines amazing. :]

Geoffrey Barlow and the curse of the ginger cat.

Yo. lol idk what the title's all about. Geoffykins is just another fucked up story of mine. Well. I didn't ach shag this one so it's not too bad (: I may go into more detail about him in a bit. When i've finished writing about today. Well i'm not even writing. I'm typing. But yeah, i'll shush now.
I woke up this morning to my mam shouting at me. ''Get uppp. Get ready, I ain't leaving till you're out of bed -rage-'' you actually have to love my mam. Even if she can be narrow minded at times and drive me completely insane if she wasn't in my life i'd just stay in bed all day, every day not doing anything and being a depressed dropout. : she has been really good to me in the past when i've gone through hell and back and i know she gets annoyed sometimes with me because she's scared i'm going back to my old ways, old habits, an' all that jazz >< . Anyway I do finally get up and get ready for my course. Jordan was still in bed when I got to town so I was a little pissed aff. Like, I had to walk in by myself for the first time ever when my hair's like this. Patchy and short and mh ._. As he so rightly put it self image is a bitch. He tells me i'm beautiful like nearly everyday. Gee, I love him >< . I was stupid if i ever doubted that. He always runs after me and puts things right even when I'm the one in the wrong. Which i always hate to admit because it puts me in that vulnerable position most people hate being in. So yeah. Most of my life savings has been blown on taxi fare. No joke. It's like £10 just to get to mine and back into town. It's not even my money ach. It's Jordan's. I feel guilty though sometimes, because I don't think I deserve everything he gives me. And that's not me asking for sympathy that's just me telling it how it is. For me anyway. :] Soooo. The story of Geoffrey Barlow and the curse of the ginger cat.
He's an odd one is Geoffrey. He's 31, lives with his grandma and her pussy cat Bobby. Geoffrey and Bobby share a 'special' relationship. Well, tbh, he's obsessed with cats. He once told me this story about when there was a dead cat in a bin bag and he threw it into a chip shop. What a normal, ordinary man he is. Well. I don't do normal but he's just something else. And yes. I am complaining. About Geoffrey. Because he is being a bastard atm. Like. I /lent/ him £70 MONTHS ago, (lent being the key word here) with a promise that I'd get it all back. Now he's started being a dick and is all ''well i didn't sign a contract it's not illegal if i don't give it back'' It's like wtaf. If it wasn't for me he'd be out on the streets penniless. Homeless. And more importantly, Bobby-less.
Why are the majority of the human race dickheads? Talking of race, or race(s) in this case, I finally wrote on my back sign for my Race for Life. I couldn't put Ewan's name. So I just put his initials really small in the bottom right hand corner. That might sound pathetic but in my heart it's him I'm running for. And my nan, but he has been so so amazing to me these past couple of years I can't quite find the words to describe. Anyway. Enough. I can hardly keep my eyes open. G'night Blogger and all you people out there :]
love, love, love
x o x o

Make you feel my love.

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I went for a 40 minute jog tonight. Well, more like a 30 minute walk/jog thing with Minnie. I'm doing Race for Life you see, next month. For Ewan ><>< .

Minnie's my dog by the way. My 2-year-old chocolate Labrador :] she's amazing. It was such a nice feeling running with her next to me. My faithful companion hm? It was a really beautiful evening. The sky was full of pink and purple and blue. I wish Ewan could be here to see It with me. It's nice sometimes to just sit back and watch the world go by. Millions of people. Millions of different lives. You never really know what's out there but I'm trying to shape my future in a positive way. I have Jordan now, right? And he's good to me. Everyone can fantasize but sometimes you have to wake up to reality - something I've never been too great with. The show must go on, eh? Sometimes I wish it wouldn't though. Sometimes I'd happily press a button to get away from everything. I want so much and so much I can't have. Ach. If i can't do it for me I'll do it for the people that matter yeah? My mum.. my brothers.. my dog ofc.. Jordan, my friends, and Ewan obv :] I promised them I wouldn't give up so on we go.

Much more than this.

Nothing is going right. Everything is falling apart. Jordan finally gets the money for us to go to Scotland - then I find out Morven's not even going to be there. He was supposed to be stopping over tomorrow night but my mum's being a stupid cow about it. Lol. We're not even allowed to sleep in the same bed, let alone the same room. She treats me like I'm 13 or something. I'm so frustrated I'm ach in tears >< .
Andd. I still haven't heard anything from Ewan ._. It's been 10 days now. And nothing. Last time I heard from him he was going into a respite home. I hate not knowing. That has to be the worst thing. I wake up all shaky at 6:20 every morning then again at 8:30 - just to see If he's emailed me. Is that pathetic? That I care about him so much? He and Morven are my best friends and I dunno where I'd be without them. It feels like everyone I love and care about Is leaving me. It always happens like this so I guess I should be pretty immune to hurt by now? You'd think so hm? Like when this woman I was in love with got cancer and died. That was the first time I'd ever felt so strongly about someone, and she was ripped out of my life. I'm not asking for any ones sympathy vote, I don't want It, I just want people to stay around In my life for once. They're either millions of miles away. Or dying. Or both. With the exception of Jordan of course, which Is why I get scared sometimes because I've never had someone feel so much about me and still be here. Maybe I should try being positive for once? Lol. It doesn't help listening to Chris De Burgh. I love his music though. I love sentimental music. :) I'ma get Jordan to ring me or something to cheer me up. Make me smile. He always manages tooooo.

Take me away

I want to get away from everything. I've asked Jordan if we can go camping up in Scotland in the summer holidays. Hundreds of miles away from this place I might be able to relax. When I'm older I want to live in Scotland. My best friend lives up there. Morven :3 I love her to bits, I've only known her 2 years but it feels like a lifetime. I've always wanted to travel up North. It looks a really beautiful country up there. Well, I'd love to go to Edinburgh anyway. I love their accent too :3 lol Jordan gets jealous sometimes but like I've told him it would be weird if he was Scottish :| Another reason why I want to get away from here is because everyone knows too much about me around here. Like, my past, and they're so judgemental, you know? I'm not proud of the things I've done, looking back I was pretty fucked up at 13. Not in the way you'd think, I didn't do drugs, or go around getting drunk and lying in gutters. It was stuff I'm not even sure I'm happy writing down yet. But yeah. >< . I keep messing up on my Prozac and ach :/ I missed my course today because I just physically couldn't get out of bed for hours and hours. I hate being like this. I don't want to have to be on tablets forever more but everyone on my dads side of the family are. And I hate them. I'm not even being nasty they are actual weirdos. Am I weird? My friends say I should never change but sometimes I feel like I have to. Idk. Latersss.

Three wishes

So. I have this great boyfriend yeah? Like. I normally go for older guys. He's 6 months younger than me. I guess it doesn't really bother me. Maybe it's more of that sometimes I feel it isn't enough. Like. There's this other guy i'm emotionally involved with. Ewan. I've known him for around 2 years and he's 19 years older than me. If he didn't have cancer and wasn't married (even though they've split for like a year - well he left her) and he was actually in the same country as me then just maybe he'd be perfect. He understands me. I can tell him anything and everything and he never judges. I've never met him in RL. I know it might sound sad, and pathetic, but I love him so much. And I feel bad because my boyfriend knows about him - well he knows Ewan's my best friend and has cancer. And he's so sweet he's like;
''It's a shame he's not in the country else we could go and visit him because he obviously means alot to you.''
It breaks my heart. Jordan (the guy i'm going out with) is such a sweet guy and I guess i'd be devestated if we split. Am I being selfish? The chances of me and Ewan happening are like one in a million anyway for several reasons that i've pretty much mentioned ><. So onto the second thing. My hair. Like. I've pulled it all out twice now. I probably sound like some psycho but I can't help it and people don't understand unless they've been through it themselfs. Like my mum just had a go at me for it and said no one forced me to pull it out, but it's never that simple and she only ever seems to see things in black and white. :/ The 'condition' I have is called trichotillomania, a compulsive behaviour which gives you an uncontrolable urge to pull out your hair. Anyway, I promised the guy with cancer that I wouldn't pull again so i'm trying really hard. But I have a massive patch on my head where my hair isn't growing and it's horrible. D: Pfh. I probably sound selfish, when people are going through loads of shit in life and i'm just sat here complaining about mine. I was reading blogs i'd posted from two years ago and it's just weird. That I was actually sat there at that moment and it was all happening. And now so many things have changed. I think it's for the better, well, my life is pretty okay at the moment I guess. So those are like 2 things in my life which are bothering me? Not sure if they're wishes but idk. Anyway still trying to work out my 3rd so until I do, TTFN :] x