Three wishes

So. I have this great boyfriend yeah? Like. I normally go for older guys. He's 6 months younger than me. I guess it doesn't really bother me. Maybe it's more of that sometimes I feel it isn't enough. Like. There's this other guy i'm emotionally involved with. Ewan. I've known him for around 2 years and he's 19 years older than me. If he didn't have cancer and wasn't married (even though they've split for like a year - well he left her) and he was actually in the same country as me then just maybe he'd be perfect. He understands me. I can tell him anything and everything and he never judges. I've never met him in RL. I know it might sound sad, and pathetic, but I love him so much. And I feel bad because my boyfriend knows about him - well he knows Ewan's my best friend and has cancer. And he's so sweet he's like;
''It's a shame he's not in the country else we could go and visit him because he obviously means alot to you.''
It breaks my heart. Jordan (the guy i'm going out with) is such a sweet guy and I guess i'd be devestated if we split. Am I being selfish? The chances of me and Ewan happening are like one in a million anyway for several reasons that i've pretty much mentioned ><. So onto the second thing. My hair. Like. I've pulled it all out twice now. I probably sound like some psycho but I can't help it and people don't understand unless they've been through it themselfs. Like my mum just had a go at me for it and said no one forced me to pull it out, but it's never that simple and she only ever seems to see things in black and white. :/ The 'condition' I have is called trichotillomania, a compulsive behaviour which gives you an uncontrolable urge to pull out your hair. Anyway, I promised the guy with cancer that I wouldn't pull again so i'm trying really hard. But I have a massive patch on my head where my hair isn't growing and it's horrible. D: Pfh. I probably sound selfish, when people are going through loads of shit in life and i'm just sat here complaining about mine. I was reading blogs i'd posted from two years ago and it's just weird. That I was actually sat there at that moment and it was all happening. And now so many things have changed. I think it's for the better, well, my life is pretty okay at the moment I guess. So those are like 2 things in my life which are bothering me? Not sure if they're wishes but idk. Anyway still trying to work out my 3rd so until I do, TTFN :] x