My world kinda thing.
Friday 5 November 2010
Thursday 21 October 2010
lifeishitsometimes.
lol well. college is abs amaze. like really, i've made so many friends.. summit which i have tae say i have struggled with in the past. it's the holidays now. we're off to butlins tomorrow. yesterday was mine and jordans 6th month anniversary. time flies, huh? lulz i was just reading old blogs, ach. ewan's gone back into hospital. i cannae stand it when he's away. i hate having to email martine. it kills me inside. i wish i could be there to hold his hand, but i can't. i need him to get better. i /need/ him tae get the all clear.
why is that so much to ask fer?
he's 38 years old for gods sakee. he's not an old man, not that old men should get ill anyway but you know. he's got a good 40/50 years maybe to live. and make happy memories. and to think all that can just be taken away from him in the click of a finger is so fucking unfair.
he's been so sweet with me lately. ever since he got out of hospital the last time round. i think he's scared, but he won't let on because he doesn't want to upset me. he's such a lovely man and it hurts that he's going through all this shit.
ach. what more can i say? i guess i have to concentrate on jordan but it can be so hard sometimes.
i lay awake alot thinking about ewan wondering what a life with him in would be like.
is that so bad? idkkkk.
tatty-bye x
Thursday 7 October 2010
.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
bad tae worse.
Idk i'm just sick of this crap, mahn.
xo
Saturday 2 October 2010
i haven't blogged since i was 17 :|
I cannae put commars in my blogz tonight cuz i'm at G-Forces and he spunked on his keyboard so some of the buttons broke becuz he iz gay. :)
lol likee. Idk why i haven't blogged.
Maybe i'm just gay.
Things are quite good atm.
I started college and made a nice group of friends.
I have an amaze boyfriend.
And stufffffffsssss.
I lav you blogger. You let me read old blogs and i can liek ponder on my previous times.
Hummmmm.
Sunday 15 August 2010
''and you should never forget anyone that you've loved.''
Sooo. London next week (: ohhh. And like. I fell out with Mikala and co. lmao they were right bastardsss. On about me preffering my ''imaginary 12 year old friend'' (aka Morven who's 15 soon) and a ''35year old paedophile with a pegleg.'' (aka Ewan.. -.-) who needs friends like that hm? lol going on my blog title i watched this film, Hachi : A dogs story. I've never cried so much at a film, if all. it was just so.. sad. |: lol like. I cba'd writing it all down but if you like dogs then it's a must. (: anyway. that's all really. apart from me and Jordan nearly set a house on fire with a chinese lantern. Lmao. >_< You know, I might've done shit at school and stuff but in the long run i'm kinda glad i did cause i've got everything going for me atm :] just hope Ewan gets better asa.
TTFN. :] x
Thursday 5 August 2010
My best friend.
Please let Ewan be okay ><.
Wednesday 21 July 2010
Hello World :]
We are going to Primrose Valley soon. For a week. A week stuck in a caravan with my mother and insane brothers. And the dog of course. Not that I have anything against Minstrel. I have to share a room with my brother. Great stuff. I am almost 18years of age and I shall have to sleep almost ontop of my 14year old hormonal brother. I think he's 14 anyway. I don't actually know. I know my other brother's 10 but that's only because he rudley interrupted my 7th birthday party. Pfh. Some people don't know how lucky they are. It's a nightmare having to share your birthday with your younger brother. On my 15th birthday I was stuck inside watching my brother play pass the parcel. Imagine that. Because we have ''family'' days. But seeing as this year I'm 18 I actually get a choice. And we're off to London. To see the Lion King in a proper west end musical thing. I've always loved the Lion King even though the first film should've been a 12 considering it had horny lions in. Which is true. When Simba and Nala rolled down the hill. And you know. She gave him that look. And he licked her. Which is what lions do i suppose. Not that i'd know. Because I'm not a lion. Thank God. Anyway, moving on from our wild inner beastiness, I still haven't heard from this Dutch friend of Ewans. Perhaps she's busy shaving all her hair off. After all he did say the dutch women had hairy legs and armpits. Or was that the Germans? And why only the women anyway? Does that mean that the men tidy themselfs up? Jesus. I can't stay and blog for long. I have to be up in the morning. We're going holiday shopping. Well. My mum reckons I need a new bra because mine doesn't fit. She wants me to get measured. There is something pervy though about strange women feeling you up in the changing rooms to see what size you are. The last time I got measured I was told to kind of jiggle my boobs about so they'd go in. Is that kind of a lesbiany thing to ask a 14year old girl to do? Or not? Not that I have anything against lesbianity at all. I just don't want them coming onto me. I mean, I have got a boyfriend and everything. Not that I want a girlfriend. But you know. Anyway fellow blogger chums, I best be off. Lot's of sleep to do and things. And I might ring Jordan. And try and have a sane conversation with him. Because apparantly i'm insane. But that's okay because normal people are boring. Right?
TTFN :] x
Monday 19 July 2010
FAMEEEEEEEE.
Hello lovely world. I got a phone call this morning from something to do with a tv show. Appaz I'm going to have the producer of this TV show ringing me up once they've processed my application. EEEE. (: paha. Today is such a weird day. I never thought I'd be woken up with my excited mother extending her arm with a phone on the end saying someone to do with being on TV is on the phone. lololol. It's my & Jordans 3 month anniversairy tomorrow. :] we're going to the cinemaaaaaaa. So yes. My world is very odd at the moment, and that's just how i like it (: I have both phones on my bed waiting for this bloody tv producer to ring me. They better hurry (; Geeeeeee. ^-^ Andddd. I hope Ewan's okay. He went into hospital Saturday to start his treatments but I haven't heard anything yett. Jordan better be coming to see me today grrr. My mum wants me to wash up. i was like i won't need you when i'm famouuussssss ;) tehe giddy geeee i ordered a biffy clyro tee off hmv.com.. is it bad to order mens clothes? :| HM. Who cares. I'm off. with a boom and a bang and a ttfn (; xFAAMEEE!!!!!! I'm gonna live foreverrr!!!!!
Thursday 15 July 2010
I want a rara skirt.
i hardly even come on here anymore but i just wanted to say that really.
x
Friday 9 July 2010
fuck off.
Monday 5 July 2010
I'm back.. back again :]
Short blog i know but tbh I'm not sure what to talk about ._.
I guess I'll think of something, later :]
I love you, world. Most of the time.
TTFN;; x
Tuesday 29 June 2010
I need a little time,
Sunday 27 June 2010
Just for tonight, just maybe we'll make it.
Saturday 26 June 2010
Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard.
That's all I want.
><.
Thursday 24 June 2010
10:35
I need to train for Race for Life D; Buttt it's too damn hot :@
Ach. I need to go. And get dressed. And then sit and think about my life some more. And try ringing Jordan. He can sleep through fecking anything. v_v
TTFN :] x
Wednesday 23 June 2010
Chemicals all rushing through my bloodstream, only wish that you were here.
Unless I get bored (; No. But right. I have things to talk about v_v I had a dream last night. Ewan died. :/ ..I just.. had this voice recording he'd left me. And I kept playing it over and over again. I can't really remember what It said, or if i even understood it. Just his voice.. It was all I had left of him. It was awful, really. Martine emailed again. I'm not going to get to speak to him till mid-August. ><. It's fucking awful. He's the guy I talk to about.. well everything tbh. D; Race for Life in under a week and I haven't ach done any proper training. Jordans coming up sooon. I need to get in the bath D: erhh. why is life so shitty sometimes? .-. I mean, it's good that Ewan's going back into hospital, because don't get me wrong. I want him to get better. asap. He doesn't deserve this crap. He's a good person. ><. I don't really have much more to say. Just things are hard sometimes, but as a great friend of mine once said;
''Friends are there to keep you away from the edge.''
Monday 21 June 2010
Why not smile?
"Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow, turn this stupid, fat rat yellow."
Friday 18 June 2010
Claustrophobic.
I have been stuck inside for two days now. With cramp from periodz. ): It's well shit. Why can't guys have periodz and shizz. >>. And babies. And bleed :( LOL, talking about bleeding some insane person came up with the idea of Pokemon sanitary pads o.- I shall find you sexy people the link in a bit, ochaye? Yeah. -smug- so anyway. Soon my brothers will be home from school and I won't be home alone again for three days. I hate being stuck in with everybody. I know that might sound bad. But like. I like my own space, you know? So I can ponder life and stuff. Martine emailed again this aft. She doesn't know what's happening with Ewan. She'll ask 'Joan' next time she's talking to her. Who the fuck is this Joan woman? His mam I'm guessing. But it pissed me off that she doesn't even know what's happening with him. She's supposed to be his pal and you know. Gah. Race for Life in less than 3 weeks now. I can't even run to the end of the road without getting a stitch never mind 3.1 miles. But I shall try my very bestest. Cause I have to make people proud. >< . I haven't spoken to Ewan in 2 weeks now. It's all very well hearing about him through other people (that don't seem to know fuck all anyway or even care for that matter) Pfh. He's my bestest friend, I love him so much. I wish he was here. I know I must be a bad person for loving him because I have Jordan now but I've loved him for 2 years and yeah D;
Anyway I'm off. For a while. Or something.
TTFN x.
Wednesday 16 June 2010
Serendipity.
Geoffrey Barlow and the curse of the ginger cat.
I woke up this morning to my mam shouting at me. ''Get uppp. Get ready, I ain't leaving till you're out of bed -rage-'' you actually have to love my mam. Even if she can be narrow minded at times and drive me completely insane if she wasn't in my life i'd just stay in bed all day, every day not doing anything and being a depressed dropout. : she has been really good to me in the past when i've gone through hell and back and i know she gets annoyed sometimes with me because she's scared i'm going back to my old ways, old habits, an' all that jazz >< . Anyway I do finally get up and get ready for my course. Jordan was still in bed when I got to town so I was a little pissed aff. Like, I had to walk in by myself for the first time ever when my hair's like this. Patchy and short and mh ._. As he so rightly put it self image is a bitch. He tells me i'm beautiful like nearly everyday. Gee, I love him >< . I was stupid if i ever doubted that. He always runs after me and puts things right even when I'm the one in the wrong. Which i always hate to admit because it puts me in that vulnerable position most people hate being in. So yeah. Most of my life savings has been blown on taxi fare. No joke. It's like £10 just to get to mine and back into town. It's not even my money ach. It's Jordan's. I feel guilty though sometimes, because I don't think I deserve everything he gives me. And that's not me asking for sympathy that's just me telling it how it is. For me anyway. :] Soooo. The story of Geoffrey Barlow and the curse of the ginger cat.
He's an odd one is Geoffrey. He's 31, lives with his grandma and her pussy cat Bobby. Geoffrey and Bobby share a 'special' relationship. Well, tbh, he's obsessed with cats. He once told me this story about when there was a dead cat in a bin bag and he threw it into a chip shop. What a normal, ordinary man he is. Well. I don't do normal but he's just something else. And yes. I am complaining. About Geoffrey. Because he is being a bastard atm. Like. I /lent/ him £70 MONTHS ago, (lent being the key word here) with a promise that I'd get it all back. Now he's started being a dick and is all ''well i didn't sign a contract it's not illegal if i don't give it back'' It's like wtaf. If it wasn't for me he'd be out on the streets penniless. Homeless. And more importantly, Bobby-less.
Why are the majority of the human race dickheads? Talking of race, or race(s) in this case, I finally wrote on my back sign for my Race for Life. I couldn't put Ewan's name. So I just put his initials really small in the bottom right hand corner. That might sound pathetic but in my heart it's him I'm running for. And my nan, but he has been so so amazing to me these past couple of years I can't quite find the words to describe. Anyway. Enough. I can hardly keep my eyes open. G'night Blogger and all you people out there :]
love, love, love
x o x o
Monday 14 June 2010
Make you feel my love.
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love
I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong
I went for a 40 minute jog tonight. Well, more like a 30 minute walk/jog thing with Minnie. I'm doing Race for Life you see, next month. For Ewan ><>< .
Minnie's my dog by the way. My 2-year-old chocolate Labrador :] she's amazing. It was such a nice feeling running with her next to me. My faithful companion hm? It was a really beautiful evening. The sky was full of pink and purple and blue. I wish Ewan could be here to see It with me. It's nice sometimes to just sit back and watch the world go by. Millions of people. Millions of different lives. You never really know what's out there but I'm trying to shape my future in a positive way. I have Jordan now, right? And he's good to me. Everyone can fantasize but sometimes you have to wake up to reality - something I've never been too great with. The show must go on, eh? Sometimes I wish it wouldn't though. Sometimes I'd happily press a button to get away from everything. I want so much and so much I can't have. Ach. If i can't do it for me I'll do it for the people that matter yeah? My mum.. my brothers.. my dog ofc.. Jordan, my friends, and Ewan obv :] I promised them I wouldn't give up so on we go.
Saturday 12 June 2010
Much more than this.
Andd. I still haven't heard anything from Ewan ._. It's been 10 days now. And nothing. Last time I heard from him he was going into a respite home. I hate not knowing. That has to be the worst thing. I wake up all shaky at 6:20 every morning then again at 8:30 - just to see If he's emailed me. Is that pathetic? That I care about him so much? He and Morven are my best friends and I dunno where I'd be without them. It feels like everyone I love and care about Is leaving me. It always happens like this so I guess I should be pretty immune to hurt by now? You'd think so hm? Like when this woman I was in love with got cancer and died. That was the first time I'd ever felt so strongly about someone, and she was ripped out of my life. I'm not asking for any ones sympathy vote, I don't want It, I just want people to stay around In my life for once. They're either millions of miles away. Or dying. Or both. With the exception of Jordan of course, which Is why I get scared sometimes because I've never had someone feel so much about me and still be here. Maybe I should try being positive for once? Lol. It doesn't help listening to Chris De Burgh. I love his music though. I love sentimental music. :) I'ma get Jordan to ring me or something to cheer me up. Make me smile. He always manages tooooo.
Wednesday 9 June 2010
Take me away
Tuesday 8 June 2010
Three wishes
''It's a shame he's not in the country else we could go and visit him because he obviously means alot to you.''
It breaks my heart. Jordan (the guy i'm going out with) is such a sweet guy and I guess i'd be devestated if we split. Am I being selfish? The chances of me and Ewan happening are like one in a million anyway for several reasons that i've pretty much mentioned ><. So onto the second thing. My hair. Like. I've pulled it all out twice now. I probably sound like some psycho but I can't help it and people don't understand unless they've been through it themselfs. Like my mum just had a go at me for it and said no one forced me to pull it out, but it's never that simple and she only ever seems to see things in black and white. :/ The 'condition' I have is called trichotillomania, a compulsive behaviour which gives you an uncontrolable urge to pull out your hair. Anyway, I promised the guy with cancer that I wouldn't pull again so i'm trying really hard. But I have a massive patch on my head where my hair isn't growing and it's horrible. D: Pfh. I probably sound selfish, when people are going through loads of shit in life and i'm just sat here complaining about mine. I was reading blogs i'd posted from two years ago and it's just weird. That I was actually sat there at that moment and it was all happening. And now so many things have changed. I think it's for the better, well, my life is pretty okay at the moment I guess. So those are like 2 things in my life which are bothering me? Not sure if they're wishes but idk. Anyway still trying to work out my 3rd so until I do, TTFN :] x